The following is the actual email I sent to this nut-job I went out with only ONCE prior to the evening in question below. After what was already a bad day, I realized said guy had exaggerated his position in his company, and when I called his bluff, he freaked. I said "well thanks for coming up!" and he stormed out... and a ridiculous amount of bi-polar texts ensued. This was my response to the insanity. You might notice that I sway between firmly letting him know he should be committed... and trying to keep it somewhat nice and positive so he doesn't actually go nuts and hurt/kill me or something!?!? (Prior to things going awry, he had told me that he carried a concealed gun at all times. Hmm... that should've been a red flag - but we already know I tend to be colorblind sometimes...)
*Names have been changed to protect me from the psychotic.
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Dear Crazy-Guy-Who-Freaked-Out-When-I-Cut-the-Evening-Short,
I am so sorry you feel that I "treated you like s--- after you bought me dinner and everything" (a dinner that I offered to pay for, fyi - so...) and I'm sorry that you feel I "owe you an answer" or owe you anything, really.... First of all, dating is not quid pro quo... so, thank you again for dinner... but that is all I "owe" you.
So… not that I owe you an explanation at all... nor, at this point, do I really care what you think about me - because, clearly, the damage is done. But... continuing to send multiple paradoxical text-demands for an explanation AFTER you had told me to "lose your number" and called me "f---ing nuts", etc etc.... I really didn't see the point in dragging anything on? You GOT the last word. You made your point. And I agreed. I'm not sure what else you were hoping for?!? How many other ways can I say "you were right" and "I was wrong" and "yes, I am probably missing out on a good thing".... I AGREE.... Were you hoping I wouldn't?!?! (that's kind antagonism seems a little odd...)
And just a little side note, my mom called during your little unanswered text-rant, so, I couldn't text you back at the same time. (Although, I probably wouldn’t have responded anyway…)
Obviously, I made a bad choice in not cancelling our plans tonight in the first place. I should have realized that two hours of sleep in two days, being in a ridiculous amount of pain, and then dealing with not only the regular stresses of my life - owning/running a business, working another job, AND going to grad school, but the new federal/state violations I just realized I was facing and the deadlines I am facing tomorrow..... that, perhaps, tonight was probably not a good time to hang out. BUT... I really liked you.... and I thought it would be a good distraction.... and I thought you might've understood some of the things I was dealing with... So, for that err in judgment, again, I’m sorry.
However, not only was tonight's meeting a case of bad timing... I felt like it was a huge miscommunication - like we were speaking two different languages. And while I’m sure NEITHER of us wanted to talk about work… it’s hard not to, and I actually thought that would’ve been something we would’ve bonded about… but when I would even mention SOMETHING related to work - you dismissed it as "someday you'll learn to...." Ummmm.... yeah.... that's when I got on the defensive. I never belittled your job, nor did I ever say that I was "better than you". In fact, I believe I said I was JEALOUS of you (because I AM). BUT it did appear that you tried to assert your business-owner expertise by saying that I just "didn't get it yet" as you've been doing this for 15 years....
(Which…. Let’s do the math here…. 15 years ago, I believe you were 15. Were you a partner at that point? My guess is that you probably just worked there as an employee - being that you were 15.... so.... um… I’ve been teaching dance since I was 13 – that’d be going on 17 years now.... So, I guess, by your “logic”, I would be slightly more qualified, right? *Not that I’m trying to one-up you – that’s not my intention – I just kind of want to illustrate the futility of that argument.*)
So, yeah, now here's my defense.... my "explanation". Because I tried to just admit that I was wrong, but you seem to want more than that? I guess you feel you need to put me in my place or something? (Which I'm really not sure why... other than to just be hurtful) But nonetheless, here ya go.... these are the FACTS - these are NOT opinions. However, if I did get something wrong, please accept my deepest apologies....
YOUR FACTS: It is my understanding, from what you have told me, that you are a part-owner of a business. You. And your father. Run a (family) business.... TOGETHER. You do not make EVERY decision by yourself (although I am sure you do, indeed, make a ridiculous amount of decisions alone). Essentially, it sounds to me, like YOU are the COO (Chief Operations Officer) and your dad is the CFO (Chief Financial Officer). Should you ever have a question, need a second opinion, etc.... you are both there for each other as the company is more or less a partnership – under dual-control. BOTH of you have a VESTED interest in the success of your company.
Now, please understand that we are not comparing apples to apples. We’re not in the same industry, so, for arguments sake, please forgive any technical inaccuracies as far as the comparison is concerned. Here are the facts of MY business:
MY FACTS: I am a sole-proprietor of my business. I am the COO, the CFO, and any "joint decisions" that need to be made... I make... alone. There is no one else with a vested interest in my company (ie. if it fails, no one is really affected other than me). When I first started, I was the owner, the director, the teacher of all the classes, the marketing manager, the janitor, the secretary, the "insert-any-job-necessary-to-make-a-business-successful-here". And as of last year, it's true, I DO have employees who teach some of the classes - as I cannot literally teach in two rooms at the same time. (I believe this would be similar to the fact that you have employees who do embroidery, etc.) But.... when it all comes down to it.... E-V-E-R-Y decision made at my company is completely and utterly mine – from deciding which brand of paper towels to buy or how far I’m willing to go in a lease negotiation. Yay. At this point, while the business is very successful, it is still a small, privately-owned company and, unfortunately, it is not cost-effective (or really in the budget right now) to have someone else oversee the business-side of things - nor am I in the position to be able to give up teaching as THAT is what I love most and was how my studio became success – the “hot-selling item” in my business is one of my classes… I actually did lose some business this year when someone didn’t “get me as a teacher”. (Nice for the ego – bad for business). :-)
But what can I do? I am the alpha and the omega as far as my business is concerned. There is literally nothing I wish for more in this world than for that NOT to be the case. I love my family, but they are not involved in my business - they do not know my industry - and any question/concern I have is usually dismissed with "it's YOUR business, figure it out".... yep... that's what I do. So I guess that's why it seems most of my closest friends are SBOs like myself – we just “get” each other. And when you said you were one, I was pumped - because Small Business Owners are a rare breed... and not many people really know all the blood, sweat, and tears that go into entrepreneurship, unless they have lived it....
I guess I just thought we were on the same page…. that I met a nice guy who “gets” the whole craziness that comes with owning a business….So when, out of curiosity, I asked what your role in the partnership entailed, it started to become evident that you might not be involved with the areas we were talking about… and all the once-inspiring “someday you’ll learn” stuff – became wildly patronizing. I was really hurt. Originally, I really DID was hoping for your advice (or at the very least, a “yeah, that’s gotta suck” type of support). I honestly thought you were advising me from personal experience, and I respected that. But, apparently, I was wrong…
So, in the future, before you go dismissing someone’s livelihood so condescendingly… I’d suggest you’d better make sure you know what you’re talking about, because… YOU and I are bananas and apples, baby…. we might both be fruit, but we are NOT the same.
And it would have been perfectly okay if you WERE a banana…. I like bananas.
I can imagine that when you came on as a partner, you helped your dad make the company the success it is today! I’m absolutely certain you rock at everything you do there – and I’m sure your dad was stoked that he didn’t have to go it alone anymore! (And is now able to “write checks and go on the boat” as I’m sure that wasn’t always the case – hopefully, in a couple of years, I’ll have someone to help share the load so I can take a little cruise around the harbor as well) J
Ultimately, whether or not you thought I was making excuses or whatnot, the reality is, I gave you a disclaimer… I wasn’t feeling good tonight… and when you don’t feel good, you’re extra sensitive. Everyone is…. That’s not me-specific. While, to you, my job may seem trivial or that it’s “just a job”…. please know, I am living out a childhood dream. I’ve been dancing for 27 years… it isn’t just my job, or my dream, or my life….. It’s me... I pour every ounce of myself into that “job.”
And, maybe, you feel the same about your business? Maybe not. I don’t know. But, with that all being said, I hope you can see why I might have felt offended and felt that it was best to just cut the night short…
I did the cutting. And I apologized. You wanted an explanation… and you got it. I really DO think you are a great guy – I just think this was a MAJOR case of bad-timing and miscommunication and misunderstanding….
So again… I’m sorry…
-K.
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His response:
That whole thing must just be a rant I don't know for sure because I did not read it. Loose my number and forget my name and leave me alone
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Done and done.
