Best. Breakup. Ever.

"It's not you.  It's me."  "We want different things in life."  "Either you're not the right girl or it's not the right time."  Of all the crappy lines I've been thrown at the end of a "relationship" (and I use that term loosely), Steve's was the best.

Steve... the Saint.

Let me give you a little background first.  I went to college in the deep south - the bible-thumping, NASCAR-loving, grits-eating, closed-on-Sunday - south.  And I... went to a liberal women's college in the middle of it all.  (Get it?)

Ok.  Moving on.

So while I was down there, I worked at the local bar where I met Steve.  Steve worked at a bar.  Steve drank like a fish.  Steve smoked Newport Menthols (among other things).  Steve partied like a rockstar.  And... Steve went to THE most prominent religious university in the area.  (And unbeknownst to me, considered himself a saint, or something along those lines.)

(Side note:  I never understood the Steve-oxymoron as it was my understanding that going to Bible U. meant you had to shun all things of pleasure and basically resign yourself to four years in your little Church-School-Church-Study-Church-Bed-Wakeup-Repeat bubble.)

Apparently, Steve liked to walk the line between the real world and Bible U.'s brainwashing, because he dated me and the God-thing really never became an issue until.... the end.

Steve cornered me one afternoon as we "needed to talk" (yeah... that usually means something good, doesn't it?!?).  He didn't give me the ol' "It's not you.  It's me." crap.  No.  It was me.  And he was going to tell me why...

Ready for the reason???

He said he had to break up with me because I AM GOING TO HELL.

Apparently, since I was not a Reformed Presbyterian (essentially a Calvinist), I was clearly going to hell.  And Steve wanted all of his loved ones with him in Heaven when he died.  So, knowing I wouldn't be there... he didn't want to date me anymore.  It was too hard.

Let me say that again, but just the gist.

Steve.  Broke up with me.  Because I am going to hell.

A guy... condemned me to hell.

Best.  Breakup.  Ever.

Amen.

Photo Credit:  Natalie Maynor