I had heard most of these before... and figured (naively hoped) some were just old-fashioned generalizations that did not apply nowadays, but alas, this is straight from the 30-Something-Guy's mouth...
In no particular order...
1. A guy can/will not decide whether or not he even likes you until several weeks/months of you wondering have passed.
2. Said guy will, however, decide whether or not he wants to "hit that" within moments of meeting.
3. "Hitting that" within the first month of dating guarantees that point #1 will most likely be a "like her enough to continue to sleep with her, but not enough to call her my girlfriend"
4. "Hanging out" does not count as "dating".
5. If a guy doesn't pursue you daily (ie. call/text/send carrier pigeon) - he's really not interested.
6. Girl should not be hanging out with the guy's friends alone unless a title has been previously established (ie. bf/gf or husband/wife). Moreover, girl really should not be hanging out with guy's friends alone. Period. Guy's friends should respect the 'mancode' and not allow this to happen in the first place.
7. Girls can, however, have guy friends - but this is not preferable.
8. Co-ed softball leagues never lead to anything but drama.
9. Over time, the 80-20 rule (you should love 80% of a person and put up with the other 20%) will be downgraded to 50-50.
10. There is no chance of getting married past the ripe old age of 31. Resign yourself as a lifelong bachelor now, gentlemen.
11. If you're not invited to the party... you're not the front runner.
12. If a guy is casually dating a girl, he's casually dating 4-5 other girls at the same time as well.
13. That means she's dating other guys, too, most likely.
14. A drunk foursome is not the beginning of a thriving romance.
Note: 30-Something-Guy continued to give me more... but I chose to leave them out :-)
May I respectfully suggest some insight from a happily-married 30-something? Here goes, in the same order:
ReplyDelete1. Guys have no more control over their feelings than women do. If a guy "decides" whether to like you then his feeling is artificial and contrived. Some guys develop feelings in seconds, others in weeks, others take longer; some never realize the feelings exist until that fact is waved in their face.
2. Guys do make snap judgments on attractiveness. Unfortunately, 30-Something-Guy phrased that as whether he would "hit that". That makes it vulgar. That guy is not looking for someone to like. He's looking for someone to like in bed. He's using a different brain than the one he uses to form relationships. If you respond to that guy, no relationship will develop.
3. There is no magic formula for when the sexual chemistry goes from a verbal cold war to a sweaty nuclear one. Many guys disrespect a girl who gives it up too fast, but will take the free milk anyway. The key is establishing an emotional connection. A guy who sleeps with a girl with whom he has not established an emotional connection will view sex with her as easy, free and cheap (and will also think it will be equally easy, free and cheap with other guys), hence he will not build a trust-based relationship with her (but he might still sleep with her). For some guys, that emotional connection can be created in 5 minutes. Other's take 5 months.
4. This is correct. "Hanging out" does not count as dating. If you are unsure, just ask; only the guy who's trying to pull one over on you (or is unsure himself) will have a problem with answering honestly.
5. Leave out the "daily" and this is true. Some guys don't want to come across as needy, or they've heard of one of those girl "rule" books, so they won't call or write DAILY even if they are "that into you." But a guy who doesn't pursue you is not into you. Period. Lasting relationships result from both people pursuing each other; one-sided pursuits tend to result in one-sided relationships, in my experience.
6. This is true.
7. Also true.
8. From personal experience having worked for a co-ed softball league for many years, I can say emphatically that this is true.
9. False. But if you're keeping track of percentages, you're thinking of the whole darn thing wrong. A relationship should be organic and optimistic. If you are in a relationship and catch yourself analyzing the percentages, either you are not that into it, or you're being creepy and should stop. :)
10. False. Duh.
11. Is this a metaphor for something? Duh.
12. Maybe, but he's probably exaggerating. And if he is any kind of respectable guy, he will tell every one of them that he's "not exclusive" if they ask (but sometimes only if they ask).
13. This is problematic. First, chances are a man casually dating a woman is the only one casually dating in that relationship. More importantly, going back to two earlier points, guys looking for love want to think they are the only one with a shot, and no relationship is going to happen without having established that emotional connection. By definition, a person who is "casually dating" is not becoming emotionally involved with the people they date, ergo their heart is guarded rather than on their sleeve; two people casually dating are doubly difficult to get together because neither one is willing to risk vulnerability in a casual situation. Brief, but serial, monogamy is probably a better strategy than volume shopping, for both genders.
14. To each their own, but...yeah.
Oh, Anonymous Happily-Married-30-Something... let's be honest, you're about as real as the Diet Dr. Pepper guy, right? While I definitely agree that the guy who gave me the fodder for the original posting was bitter at best, I also think your perspective may be a little biased as well. :-)
ReplyDeletePerhaps the 'real' answers are somewhere in between?
Too bad there aren't more like you out there... say hi to Bigfoot for me!